The last straw was when I lost my temper with Lillie over something silly (roaring at Harlan and making him cry) ... I just snapped. I screamed and yelled at her and sent her to her room (and the nice, happy screaming you're imagining is NOT what really happened ... I was really scary, much worse than that roar) and she emerged a few minutes later with a note. It read (with these spelling errors): "Im sad. Plies be nice. I love you but y are you so mad" and I said to myself:
It is not worth it.
It is not worth sacrificing my relationships with my children. Or losing patience with Wes. Or making him do all of the housework AND work in the ER because I am just too stressed (teaching preschool! What kind of wuss am I! He's the one in the ER!) Or being depressed for two months straight and having heartburn every night because I know in the morning I have to go and do it all again.
I prayed and prayed about this. I feel peace with this decision, mostly because my prayers were answered in a reassuring way every time, and the answer was clear: This is not the season for me to be working outside my home. My children come first.
And after praying one night about this issue, I picked up my Book of Mormon and scanned the index, settling for some strange reason on the topic of 'sacrifice.' One verse caught my eye, and although it seemed totally unrelated to my particular crisis, I flipped to it anyway. It was Doctrine & Covenants 132:50, and it reads:
"Behold, I have seen your sacrifices, and will forgive all your sins; I have seen your sacrifices in obedience to that which I have told you. Go, therefore, and I make a way for your escape."
I prayed about it. I received an answer: Put your children first. Then the Lord told me that if I sacrificed this job in order to obey him, he would help me escape!!! I turned in my letter the next working day, and I feel great!
I gave 4 weeks' notice, and I think that is a reasonable amount of time for the director to find a replacement. My last day will be November 21.